A Wishful Caffinated Chat with Mom

This post is inspired by my blogger friend Carol, who writes over at Writeful Mind. Carol was a classmate of mine when I decided to take my very first blogging course this summer and I have enjoyed watching her blog grow and and evolve over the last few months into something great. Carol had posted a ‘Retroactively Caffeinated Chat’ with her Grandfather‘, which sparked an idea for me.

Those few people out there in the blogosphere who actually follow my blog (Thank You!) may have noticed that I have been rather quiet lately. My quietness is due to the loss of my mother a little more than a month ago (a month and a week to be exact…but who’s counting??) and the resulting sadness that I can’t seem to shake. I was blessed to have a pretty awesome mom and her loss has left a huge hole in my life and I’m finding it hard to climb up out of it.

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how often I have wanted to call her in the last 5 weeks and tell her about this horribly sad thing that has happened and how I can’t stop crying. How someone I loved so very much was suddenly lost to me forever. And I’m not quite sure that I can go on without her. And even though she taught me so many things about how to live and how to love and how to be a good person and how to cook and how to make and do so many different things and how to care for animals and so much more…the list could go on and on…that I still don’t know it all and I still have questions that need answering. Who will answer all my questions now??

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how the world suddenly seems so much bigger and scarier and lonely without her in it. She always told me that she would love me no matter what and don’t worry what other people think. Well, what am I going to do now?? Who will love me now when I am not being very love-able or when I am scared and alone?? Don’t you know that I still need you??

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how I wasn’t able to celebrate my birthday very well without her and how very ‘not happy’ it was! My friends and Jame were good and dragged me out to a low key dinner…but it just wasn’t the same. No one called the next day to ask me what I got for my birthday this year…I can’t remember a year when you didn’t ask me what I got. I don’t think anyone else will ever care enough to ask me what I get for my birthday now.

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how I keep thinking of the last time I talked to you in the hospital and how I held onto your hand and kissed it while you were resting but now it scares me that I will never hold your hand or be hugged by you or kiss your cheek. And what if I will never see you again?? All my life I have thought of Dad in heaven and was sure I would one day see him and then I would get to be Daddy’s little girl…but what if I was wrong?? What if there is no heaven and I will never get to see you again?? I don’t want to live without you!!! I need you!!! I wasn’t ready….

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I wouldn’t have to say a thing cause Mom would just reach over and pull me into her arms and hold me and dry my tears and hug me til I stopped crying. She would know my heart is broken without me having to say a thing. She would tell me that this sadness is normal because it really is sad to lose a loved one…but I can not live forever, silly girl! But that doesn’t mean I won’t be watching you and loving you and happy for all the good things in your life and watching over you in all the not so good things. I will be with you all the time and you can still talk to me…you just have to listen a little bit harder…

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her I love you lots and lots and bunches and bunches Momma!