A Different Kind of Christmas

Different Kind of Christmas

Today’s post is in response to a weekly event at The Broken Spine called Wednesday’s Lyrics.

The idea is to post song lyrics to a song that has inspired or moved you. As well as a brief reason why you chose your particular song.

My mom passed away October 28th of this year, just in time for my family to celebrate 4 birthdays in November (one of which was hers), Thanksgiving and Christmas…not to mention ringing in a New Year and then 2 more birthdays in January and 1 in April. All the celebrations that Mom made special for our family…that have already proved to be much less special without her. And although the memories will keep us going…these first celebrations are not all that celebratory this year.

We survived the round of November birthday that were definitely much less happy. Thanksgiving was spent being grateful for our many blessings but decidedly not happy. And here we are already in the second week of December with the apprehensive anticipation of a Christmas without Mom. Christmas will be different this year, I can feel it already as I try to scrape together some holiday cheer and festiveness that seems to be buried deep this year.

I heard this song on the radio in my car today and the words immediately struck a chord with me and brought me to tears, as I fear this will be a Different Kind of Christmas this year.

Different Kind of Christmas by Mark Schultz

Snow is falling Christmas Eve
Lights are coming on up and down the street
The sound of carols fills the air
And people rushing home, families everywhere

Putting candles in the windows
Lights upon the tree
But there’s no laughter in this house
Not like there used to be
There’s just a million little memories
That remind me you’re not here
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year

In the evening fires glow
Dancing underneath the mistletoe
A letter left from Santa Claus
Won’t be the same this year in this house because

There’s one less place set at the table
One less gift under the tree
And a brand new way to take their place inside of me
I’m unwrapping all these memories
Fighting back the tears
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year

There’s voices in the driveway
Families right outside the door
And we’ll try to make this Christmas like the ones we’ve had before
As we gather round the table, I see joy on every face
And I realize what’s still alive is the legacy you made

It’s time to put the candles in the windows, the lights upon the tree
It’s time to fill this house with laughter like it used to be
Just because you’re up in heaven, doesn’t mean you’re not near
It’s just a different kind of Christmas
It’s just a different kind of Christmas this year

A Wishful Caffinated Chat with Mom

I Love You Mom CoffeeThis post is inspired by my blogger friend Carol, who writes over at Writeful Mind. Carol was a classmate of mine when I decided to take my very first blogging course this summer and I have enjoyed watching her blog grow and and evolve over the last few months into something great. Carol had posted a ‘Retroactively Caffeinated Chat’ with her Grandfather‘, which sparked an idea for me.

Those few people out there in the blogosphere who actually follow my blog (Thank You!) may have noticed that I have been rather quiet lately. My quietness is due to the loss of my mother a little more than a month ago (a month and a week to be exact…but who’s counting??) and the resulting sadness that I can’t seem to shake. I was blessed to have a pretty awesome mom and her loss has left a huge hole in my life and I’m finding it hard to climb up out of it.

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how often I have wanted to call her in the last 5 weeks and tell her about this horribly sad thing that has happened and how I can’t stop crying. How someone I loved so very much was suddenly lost to me forever. And I’m not quite sure that I can go on without her. And even though she taught me so many things about how to live and how to love and how to be a good person and how to cook and how to make and do so many different things and how to care for animals and so much more…the list could go on and on…that I still don’t know it all and I still have questions that need answering. Who will answer all my questions now??

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how the world suddenly seems so much bigger and scarier and lonely without her in it. She always told me that she would love me no matter what and don’t worry what other people think. Well, what am I going to do now?? Who will love me now when I am not being very love-able or when I am scared and alone?? Don’t you know that I still need you??

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how I wasn’t able to celebrate my birthday very well without her and how very ‘not happy’ it was! My friends and Jame were good and dragged me out to a low key dinner…but it just wasn’t the same. No one called the next day to ask me what I got for my birthday this year…I can’t remember a year when you didn’t ask me what I got. I don’t think anyone else will ever care enough to ask me what I get for my birthday now.

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her how I keep thinking of the last time I talked to you in the hospital and how I held onto your hand and kissed it while you were resting but now it scares me that I will never hold your hand or be hugged by you or kiss your cheek. And what if I will never see you again?? All my life I have thought of Dad in heaven and was sure I would one day see him and then I would get to be Daddy’s little girl…but what if I was wrong?? What if there is no heaven and I will never get to see you again?? I don’t want to live without you!!! I need you!!! I wasn’t ready….

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I wouldn’t have to say a thing cause Mom would just reach over and pull me into her arms and hold me and dry my tears and hug me til I stopped crying. She would know my heart is broken without me having to say a thing. She would tell me that this sadness is normal because it really is sad to lose a loved one…but I can not live forever, silly girl! But that doesn’t mean I won’t be watching you and loving you and happy for all the good things in your life and watching over you in all the not so good things. I will be with you all the time and you can still talk to me…you just have to listen a little bit harder…

If Mom and I were having coffee right now…I would tell her I love you lots and lots and bunches and bunches Momma!